Sunday, November 17, 2013

Dear Future {Sap!} Self...

Dear Future Self:

I just wanted to write you a note today to help you hold on to one of those moments where you think, "Remember this moment, take a picture with your mind and remember this."
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No, nothing cute or out of the ordinary happened. You simply came home from church activities today {there was a baby shower}, put the girls down for nap/quiet time, and visited with Paxton, who was lounging on your bed.

He was happy on his Boppy, cooing and smiling at you. You leaned over the bed as you always do, feet still on the floor, but resting your upper body on the bed to gaze at your son--the one you never thought you'd have. You tugged his tiny socks off one at a time and kissed the parts of his feet that will someday have arches but for now are chubby and so soft.

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Remember this.

You will not always want to kiss those feet.
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Future self, are you reading this in 2018, when Paxton should be about five? I know how you like to go back in time on your blog some days in the evenings, when it is quiet. You pour a glass of wine and listen to music and travel back to look at baby photos and read old posts--many of which you are now embarrassed of {this one probably included}. Is Paxton still your sweet little boy?

Or are you late thirties or forty-something? Is he in those awkward years? Is he on the brink of puberty? Does he have a squeaky voice and is embarrassed at your affection? Remember this moment I had today: kissing his tiny feet and how he cooed in delight when you did. To his four-month-old self, it was funny stuff, and you savored that. Remember how he smiled at you from under those long eyelashes, he has the most coy smile. All of my children have inherited my long eyelashes--which you inherited from dad--though they are blonde and thus, invisible. Paxton's are the longest of all my kids' eyelashes--are they still? Do you still see them and does he still smile coyly at you?

Maybe not.
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Does he revel in annoying his teenage sisters? Or do they still find no faults with him, but are each other's worst enemies and best friends at the same time? Some things never change.

Perhaps, Future Self, you are reading this and Paxton is all grown up. You are in your fifties--Lord willing--and perhaps Paxton has left the home you've made. Maybe he has even found a wife? It hurts to see him replace you as the most important woman in his life, and yet you feel pride that you raised him to do just that: put his wife first--a conviction this current self wants to instill, among many others.

{Are you still the sap you are right now, as I write this? Of course you are, you fool. You're probably crying too, aren't you?}
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You cried today, happy and bitter tears, just a couple--nothing too dramatic. You are so excited for his future, but you've had two babies before so you know that you will forget these snapshots you attempt to take with your mind and heart. They fade. This is why I'm writing it down...

Nothing special happened today, except that Paxton is four months old. He doesn't have facial hair to shave or a wife to love...not yet. This is a season of life that is so precious because right now he is yours.
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Don't feel regret, as you so often do, that you did not appreciate every minute of it.

I just wanted to let you know, Future Self, that today you enjoyed it. To the very deepest parts of your soul, you took it all in. This time was precious and fleeting, but it was not wasted.

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Love,
Current Self

P.S. I hope you're not as much of a sap as you used to be. Oh stars...you're probably an even worse one, aren't you?

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